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Thursday, December 31, 2009

The Happy Police

The Happy Police

J. S. King

Rhonda stared in dismay at the fat, smug face in front of her. "Fifty bucks," she croaked. "That can't be right, I mean it can't be fair." She shook the pink piece of paper at the uniform. "I was just going out for groceries, coffee, ice cream, chocolate, the basics, you ghoul. I forgot to put a smile on, I just forgot. Don't you jack-booted thugs have any mercy?" Rhonda glanced around her, noting the many people passing by. Too many witnesses, she sorrowfully concluded. This wasn't a good time to try out her new blowgun on the problem in front of her.

Sergeant Glimmer grinned and pulled out her ticket book again. "That'll be another fifty for police abuse." She scribbled rapidly, ripped the page off with gusto and slapped it into Rhonda's hand. "Anything else you want to say to me? Go ahead, there's plenty more where that came from." She rocked back on her heels and glowed with the joy of power.
"We rule, Rhonda. We happy people rule and you miserable losers might as well just get used to it. Go ahead, resist; make my day." Sergeant Glimmer polished her badge, resettled her cap, and sighed with satisfaction. She congratulated herself again for joining the Willow Street Happiness Brigade; there was such a sense of accomplishment in spreading joy.

Rhonda stuffed the tickets into her pocket and threw her groceries into the back seat of the car. She ground her teeth, ground the car gears and would have ground the sergeant into the road but the big uniform was surprisingly nimble. "We have rights, you know," she shouted out the window. And we have feelings, too."
"Yeah, but your feelings are illegal, and no, you don’t have rights." Sergeant Glimmer shouted back. "You owe society a happy face, remember that."

Rhonda stood up in middle of the crowded meeting of www.righttobecranky.org and took a deep breath. "Hi, my name's Rhonda and I'm feeling cranky." "Hi Ronda, how cranky are you?" the crowd roared back. "Cranky enough to spit nails," she sang back. "I just wanted to rip that smug smile off of her face and…and…," here words failed her. She waved her arms around and shook the pink tickets at the crowd. "I mean, fifty dollars for appearing in public without a smile! How did we come to this? The constitution says the pursuit of happiness, not having it rammed down your throat. I just want to have a variety of emotions, like a normal human being, not walking around looking like a demented dolphin. Is it wrong to have a neutral expression on your face? Is it a crime against society to be somber?"

"No, no!" roared the crowd. "Fight the smile, feel the pain, no more sunshine, feel the rain." "We need political power," Rhonda pleaded, "someone in office who will fight for our rights. Who's willing to stand up for us?" She scanned the room looking for volunteers and the crowd muttered and shuffled and avoided her eye. "No ones wants to risk it," Amber Iris, her best friend, finally responded, "You know that the last three candidates we backed ended up at the re-education camp at Happy Valley." She shuddered as she continued. "And when they came out, they…they…never stopped smiling. Never; it was horrible." A moan went through the group as people clung to each other for support. "What if the Happiness Brigade raided us right now? We'd all be…." Here Amber Iris was interrupted as the crowd panicked, stampeding out the doors and disappearing into the sheltering darkness.

Rhonda slouched her way across the parking lot, lugging her briefcase, lunch-bag and the fifteen files she'd taken home to work on. At the employees' entrance of Happy Valley Management she put her load down, fished in her pocket, and pulled out her I-love-my-job smile. She carefully positioned it on her face, glanced in her hand mirror, and satisfied, she swiped her badge and made her way down the hallway.

A tall, slender figure clad in a flowing blue work smock strode toward her. Three yellow smiley faces on her shoulder declared her rank of Sunshine Warrior. "Good morning, Jane," chirped Mrs. Longenderfer, "and how are we today?" "Rhonda," Rhonda replied through clenched teeth, "I'm Rhonda and I'm fine, just fine. How was the conference, Mrs. Longenderfer?"

"It was wonderful," Mrs. Longenderfer exulted. "The Sunshine Domination Project is working on a vaccine, a happiness vaccine! Just think, Jane, with the wonders of modern genetic therapy we can make everybody happy. Smiling people everywhere, nothing but smiles on every face you see. No more frowns, no more sad sacks, no more anger. Every one will be smiling, won't that be wonderful?" She beamed at Rhonda, her hands clasped in anticipation of the marvelous future.

"Everybody?" ask Rhonda. "The weary, the discouraged, the disappointed, the clinically depressed? Even grieving people and those in pain?" Rhonda asked. "Isn't their situation different? Wouldn’t smiling be inappropriate?” "Nonsense, Jane" Mrs. Longenderfer replied, tilting her glasses and looking down her nose at her. "They have no business burdening society with their negativness. Brightness and light is what is wanted and they'd better learn to deliver it."

She leaned in closer to Rhonda and scrutinized her closely. "That is a genuine smile on your face, isn't it?" She reached out and tugged hard on Rhonda's face. "I've heard that that subversive cranky group has been producing smile masks to conceal their members. They're dangerous malcontents and they must be hunted down." She gave a final yank to Rhonda's cheek and another piercing stare. "You don't know any of those awful people, do you, Jane? It wouldn't go well if you did." Without waiting for an answer she swept down the hallway knocking Amber Iris into the wall. Rhonda smoothed the smile mask back into place and heaved a sigh of relief.

"That was a close one," she declared to her friend. "I think she's starting to suspect me. What am I going to do? Amber Iris pulled her cavernous shoulder bag around and dug into it, unearthing a small vial of a red, smoky liquid. "Here," she said, handing it to Rhonda. "Vince made this for emergencies. He distilled an essence that allows you to imitate the top brass's mood and demeanor; he calls it 'Chipmunks on Crack.' One dose and you'll be manically chipper for two weeks. Rhonda shuddered as she reached for the drug. "But will I still be me?" she asked. "No," said Amber Iris gravely, you'll be happy instead." Rhonda drank.

Two weeks later the dose was wearing off and Rhonda was dragging herself into work. "I love my job, I love my job," Rhonda chanted as she crept towards her cubicle, praying she wouldn't meet anyone on the way. A cold wind swept in behind her, chilling her to the bone; the lights dimmed and flickered and the spiders in the corners fled. Rhonda looked up and saw the imposing figure of Mrs. Longenderfer looming over her. "How are we this morning, Jane? We aren't looking very chipper this fine day". Rhonda's face twitched as she tried to summon a smile from her last reserves. But two weeks of manic smiling had worn the nerves and muscles to exhaustion, they had nothing more to give.

Mrs. Longenderfer continued, waving a file with glee. "We're ready Jane, we're ready! The happiness vaccine is ready to be deployed. We're going to set up roadblocks on every road in Lancaster County today and treat everyone we can grab. The warehouse downstairs is full and the trucks are waiting to be loaded." She paused and glared at Rhonda. "What's the matter, Jane? Why aren't you smiling?" Rhonda stared up at her and felt the desperation of a cornered rabbit. She looked around for an escape, a distraction, a miracle, no luck on all counts.

Mrs. Longenderfer bared her teeth at her and affected a coy tone. "Now Jane, you know how much I care about you; I'm going to stand right here until I see you smile!" She planted her feet, crossed her arms and prepared to wait. Rhonda prayed as she had never prayed before in her life. 'Please god, take this maniac away from me. Why do they always demand a smile when they know perfectly well that you haven't got one?' Her eyes darted around and spotted a quick movement on top of the filing cabinet. She jumped, and screamed, and pointed. "A rat, a rat! Right there! Oh my god, a rat!"

"Oh Jane," sighed Mrs. Longenderfer, "If you were out drinking all night you only had to say so, you don't have to make up a ridiculous story to change the subject." She laid her purse on the filing cabinet, pulled out her gold cigarette case and lit up. "Really," she continued, waving the lighter around, "Here at Happy Valley we don't mind… " Here she interrupted herself with a heartfelt "Aieeehhhh!" A nimble, sleek, black rat ran out from between the January and February reports of smile arrest reports and leaped onto her purse, up her arm and scrambled to the top of her head. Mrs. L. panicked and beat at her head with both hands, lighter still ablaze.

Three hours later Rhonda and Mrs. L. stood outside the building watching the firemen hose down the smoldering remains. "Gone, all gone," croaked Mrs. L., her head swathed in bandages and a Red Cross blanket wrapped around her. "All the vaccine stock we had and the original recipe too; it'll take years and years to replicate. I don't know if I have the strength to carry the torch forward anymore; maybe I'll retire to my brother's turnip farm." She slumped onto a chair and stared into her coffee cup.

And finally, Rhonda smiled.